If I could write...

a letter to my mom, here is what it'd say:

Dearest Mom,

Wow, do I ever miss you. You're in heaven now for all of eternity. What is that like?? Praise the Lord I will know someday and we will worship our Lord together. for ever. perfectly.

I know I cannot communicate with you and I don't wish to. It's just that when you're used to speaking to someone nearly every single day for your whole 31 years of life, it's extremely hard when that line of communication comes to such an abrupt stop. never to return again.

This earth is definitely more of a lonely place without you. As I'm writing you, my tears are just spilling out of my eyes. As I've thought about this letter, I've had thousands of thoughts running through my head. You made such an impression on my life and I've learned so much from you.

From what others tell me and from what I know first-hand, your life was surely not a waste. The day of your funeral was one of the happiest days of my life, I guess partly because I know it (the day of your death) was THE happiest day of yours. Your faith became sight. You found Him whom your soul loved and lived for- the One you strived to know.

There were many hard things after your death. One of them was calling to cancel your next heart appointment. Nope, you didn't need to be there for that one! Another one was clearing out all your belongings and finding new homes for everything. I had a lot of help with that, thankfully.

I am in the process of making a slideshow of some pictures I took of some of the last days of your life. Along with the pics, I bought a song from Itunes called I will rise to go along with it.By the way, I'm able to make slideshows now because I got a new computer and high speed internet :o)

My kiddos miss their Emmie. They still talk very endearingly about you. Lord willing, sometime in October, we will add another car seat to our minivan. If it's a girl? Emmie Jean- after my and Jody's beautiful mothers. The Lord has blessed us once again with conception. We are all so excited. I missed not being able to tell you. You were my biggest fan in that department!

One thing that has amazed me about your life is that you never really had anyone close to you die, other than your miscarriage. Wow. Your death has been my first major death to deal with. I've never experienced anything like it. not even close. I'm able to see your sweet mommy about every other day. It's so surreal knowing that she is my mom's mom. I think that is partly why I just love her so much. I see you in her. And I guess it makes me feel closer to you. She doesn't say much, but she does tell me she loves me. I sometimes talk about you to her. I'm not sure how much she understands, but I'm pretty confident she misses you. Some visits we have, she just breaks down and sobs. I sob right along. We both miss you.

I always thought that Dad would make it to heaven before you. Probably mainly because of his asthma and all the ER visits y'all had to make together. He said you beat him in (almost- not basketball or tennis) everything here on earth, so it's only fitting that you should beat us to heaven. I like that! Praise the Lord- Dad's health seems to be really good. I've seen the Lord work so evidently in his life. He has truly been a Comfort to Dad. What an awesome thing to see.

The other day I got a card from Misty in the mail saying that this pregnancy was "something to sing about." It reminded me of you and the cards you'd send me. I saw that yellow envelope and was flooded with emotions.

I'll close with a few thank you's :

Thank you for being committed to God while on this earth. Thank you for the testimony and the good name you left behind. You could have left millions of dollars and it would have never compared to what we were left with when you died. Thank you for your faithfulness to your church and to your dear husband. Thank you for birthing me and teaching me about God. Thank you for your countless prayers for me and others. I have your journals, which I cherish. Thank you for caring for my soul, for teaching me what matters in this fleeting life. Thank you for sending me and Jody to get brown sugar (when I'm sure there was lots in the cabinet). He continues to bless my life and is a godly, diligent, faithful man who loves me like crazy. I love watching him as a father.

Until we meet again,

sarah

ps. your favorite verse made it onto your headstone

pps. I could've written volumes more. I felt like I had to get some tears and emotions out. I know I can't write you a letter really, but I do SO terribly miss our times together. thank you for the life you lived by the grace of God!