That's how I feel. broken. And I'm sure many of you have felt/feel the same way for whatever reason. Mine today is simply missing my mom.
I was able to attend (by myself!!) a mini-conference at Coggin Ave. Baptist Church where the theme was "Our stories for His glory." I heard several women speak of hardships they have gone through and continue to go through and how the Lord has helped them and brought them to where they are now. It was SO good for me to sit there and listen. Thankfully my precious husband watched our babies for me, even bringing me our youngest to nurse at lunchtime :o).
At the beginning there was a time of singing where I saw a mom with her arm around her (older) daughter, just so sweetly giving her arm squeezes and rubbing her back. Boy, did my tears ever flow. I couldn't sing after seeing that. I can't say I was jealous, but I know I sat there and mourned that my mom would never do that for me again. I don't wish for my mom back here, not for a second, but I so loved her presence on this earth. What a gift it was for me. And the fact that I got to enjoy that dear lady for 30 years of my life. Incredible. How blessed I was and am!
There is definitely a process to grief and I don't think mine fits the "norm." I see myself (slowly) getting stronger and trusting in my great God who has never failed me. I found these beautiful verses just this evening:
My dad asked me this evening if I was "making friends." Not really, although I do have some dear ones. Oh, there are Christian women I love so much and would cherish a closer friendship with. However, I think it's good for me now to be (mostly) alone with my thoughts and my little family. In time, I pray the Lord will send me a "kindred spirit" friend- one with whom I can pray, talk, laugh, share , encourage, cry, etc.! My mom was all that for me, and I thank God for our many years of friendship.
As I continue to grieve, I want to be so careful to not let it consume me. It does get easier, praise the Lord. I know a lot of my thoughts seem/are very selfish. I'm just sharing what's on my heart, if for no other reason that just getting it out. I love the fact that the Lord hears me when I cry. What a comfort, what a source of joy.
I know this post is so scattered and my thoughts are everywhere! I guess to sum it up- God is good and continues to give healing to the broken. Now go give your mom a hug, if you can :o)