Saturday, November 06, 2010

broken

That's how I feel. broken. And I'm sure many of you have felt/feel the same way for whatever reason. Mine today is simply missing my mom.

I was able to attend (by myself!!) a mini-conference at Coggin Ave. Baptist Church where the theme was "Our stories for His glory." I heard several women speak of hardships they have gone through and continue to go through and how the Lord has helped them and brought them to where they are now. It was SO good for me to sit there and listen. Thankfully my precious husband watched our babies for me, even bringing me our youngest to nurse at lunchtime :o).

At the beginning there was a time of singing where I saw a mom with her arm around her (older) daughter, just so sweetly giving her arm squeezes and rubbing her back. Boy, did my tears ever flow. I couldn't sing after seeing that. I can't say I was jealous, but I know I sat there and mourned that my mom would never do that for me again. I don't wish for my mom back here, not for a second, but I so loved her presence on this earth. What a gift it was for me. And the fact that I got to enjoy that dear lady for 30 years of my life. Incredible. How blessed I was and am!

There is definitely a process to grief and I don't think mine fits the "norm." I see myself (slowly) getting stronger and trusting in my great God who has never failed me. I found these beautiful verses just this evening:

Psalms 34:17-18
The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth,
and delivereth them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;
and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

My dad asked me this evening if I was "making friends." Not really, although I do have some dear ones. Oh, there are Christian women I love so much and would cherish a closer friendship with. However, I think it's good for me now to be (mostly) alone with my thoughts and my little family. In time, I pray the Lord will send me a "kindred spirit" friend- one with whom I can pray, talk, laugh, share , encourage, cry, etc.! My mom was all that for me, and I thank God for our many years of friendship.

As I continue to grieve, I want to be so careful to not let it consume me. It does get easier, praise the Lord. I know a lot of my thoughts seem/are very selfish. I'm just sharing what's on my heart, if for no other reason that just getting it out. I love the fact that the Lord hears me when I cry. What a comfort, what a source of joy.

I know this post is so scattered and my thoughts are everywhere! I guess to sum it up- God is good and continues to give healing to the broken. Now go give your mom a hug, if you can :o)

8 comments:

Misty said...

Oh, Sarah...how I love you and wish I could just wrap my arms around you right now. This has been a hard year but oh boy how the Lord is good! All of the deaths we have went through the past 6 months just reminds me more and more of sin and how because of that these bodies of flesh will die...but oh not forever to us who know the Lord...there is just a short time left here. Let's keep our eyes and hearts focused on the Lord and the work He would have us to be doing here ...until the time comes when He calls us to meet with him. love you!

Christy said...

I love you my sweet, dear friend.

Adoption Mama said...

I hurt too, sister. God knows. Keep the tears flowing; they are health to your bones. God will restore your joy. Praying for you.

Laura said...

thanks for sharing sarah. i know those thoughts and feelings so well. and yes, it may get easier with time---but that doesn't really help right now. :) as the Lord brings people into your life...let them love on you. praying you see even more how beautiful the body of Christ is. i know how much you miss your mom. it's encouraging to me to hear how close you and your mom were....i always wonder what my relationship with my mom would have looked like now. you will cherish the relationships with your children even more than you already did. love you sarah!

Anonymous said...

Day by day and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day what He deems best. Lovingly it's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest.
Dear Sarah, may the Lord give you this day the stregth and comfort that your heart requires. I love you and love the Lord in you! Ali

Homeschool on the Croft said...

There is a time to rejoice, and a time to mourn. ~I really feel that our 'norm' in society has taken away our right to mourn and grieve. But God doesn't mean it to be like that. If we mourn for a loved one who went to be with the Lord, other believers often say, 'Oh but you wouldn't want them back'. Well, no, we wouldn't - that's true. But it doesn't stop us grieving. God made us human, with human emotions, and to stifle them isn't good for us. It's not what God meant.
I've only just found your blog, so I don't know your story really, but ....don't feel bad about mourning the loss of one who was so precious to you. God is the great Comforter, but he knows our frame, He knows we are dust, and He comforts us 'in our grief'.
Love, Anne (your newest follower!) x

Heather said...

I can't give any words of comfort, but I am praying for you!

Garnetrose said...

I know how you feel. I lost my mom and my wonderful foster mom and both of those women meant the world to me. It hurts for a long time but God helped me through it all and I will tell you there will come a time where you can think of your mother and smile about some of the things you did with her and the great memories she gave you. But it takes awhile before that happens. God Bless you.